my family is driving me nuts, plus im on my period or will be and im getting anxsy. I look at astrid and i just want to take diet pills. I wish i was skinny like her. Bleh. my family stresses me out man my mom and dad just suck sometimes. I just want to have money so i can have my own house and just live my life. It's so annoying sometimes.

going to miami in i few minutes, peter isn't coming :( of course not. No one is ever reliable. I never want to plan anything anymore. I just want to go with each and every day, because i just get set up for failure. i really wanted him to come.

ugh im so annoyed, i took a test for urinary tomorrow and now i have to retake it on Monday. I wanted to be done by Monday. So know we'll see bleh! Better news, I got Bs on my psychology classes!!! yay!!! I thought I was gonna get a C and a B, but the professor curved it, AWESOME!

my dad is such a jerk sometimes. My relatives in delray have told me that i have lost weight, and i have. I think I'm back at 133, but my goal is 130lbs. He was like you still are big, just your face is small. You still eat. He doesn't realize how those little things he says really hurt my feelings. It's like I tell myself Im fat all the time, and then him or my  mom saying it again. makes me feel really bad about myself even more. I wish I looked liked my sister. I'm crying now. I miss poopie, he always makes me feel better. I have my period which makes me more crazy you know. I was searching diet pills. i dont know i just wish people were more considerate. 

ive been in those bummed moods lately. i just feel like a LOSER basically, like a BIG FAT LOSER! to be more clear. I just go through each day just in facade, pretending that i didn't go through this, but i did, i had my geriatric clinicals, and went through all this, and IT FUCKING SUCKS! because i think about my classmates, i think about how they are working now and just moving on with on their lives, and im stuck at home, going to pbcc, dating a 19 year old for almost a year now, living in a house where no one cares about how i feel and all they want me to do is finish school so i can pay for astrid's tennis. Im just so damn tired of crying. IVE BEEN CRYING SINCE I WAS BORN, feeling bad all the time, wanting to leave and just starting new, its like i will never be happy, ill never be happy. I'll never do what i want to do, because i have all these responsibilites to take care of or people underestimeate so i won't do what i want. Sometimes all i need is some daily encouragement. I feel like a wall and nobody notices me. Nobody notices me and im dying inside, wishing i was happier. God, will you show you why you brought me here, because sometimes i feel so sad.

Also, I'm in the LPN program from Monday-Thursday and work at JFK from Friday and Saturday. So far its been ok, I got and A in my last class and I got an A on this past test from this new class. It just sucks cuz i wish i did this last year or last semester instead of right now. Or that I took these two classes I have now this past summer, because then I could work more. But everything happens for a reason i guess. This latter phrase is something I have been holding on to for years now, and Im really hoping to see the results of it soon. I think as Americans we try so hard to control every aspect of our life, i think in other cultures they are not spoiled like we are. They do exactly what they are suppose to do everyday and that's it. Instead I as other Americans take life for granted and complain about the minor details that I'm unhappy with. I need to be less selfish and consider that despite the hardships that have come to me, I'm more fortunate than alot of people in the world. 

So im at the point in my relationship with Peter where I'm trying to see where things are going. But when I think about us not being together it makes me sad. Why would he say that he couldn't do the triple date with us because he's not 21. Before he would be mad at me because i told him that i wish he was older and now he just makes me feel bad because he acts like i dont keep in consideration his feelings. I really love him, I really do, but you know how i am, i hate saying goodbye and i just leave without doing it. I've always been like that, but what happens now. Ugh i wish i didn't have these stupid thoughts, WHY DO I THINK SO MUCH? WHY AM I NOT CONTENT? 

Last night was fun! I drink way too much at Osheas! I love that bar! I think its because I know the bartendars and its a nice place to be lol but gosh do i spend a fortune there. I dont know why lol. So we did Irish Car Bombs with Mike Cushing and his bro, that was fun then went to the back, which was really nice. HAHAHAH I saw Lily's nephew there! Yes, I need to visit her! So that I can tell her. Then we went back inside and got a lil more toasty with a shot that pedro made that always has coconut, i dont like it. But then he made me a shot with amaretto, so co and something else, that was rrealllly goood! After that we went to Dr. Feel Goods and dance the night away, then I went home while talking to Poopie. He's my favorite-I love him so much! It was funny last night, because elise said we were in the I love you stage, and I was like yup, we've been there since the 3 month of dating hahahha. Its not like I can say I dont love him, or just like him. I really do love him. 

Wow, I haven't posted a message in a long time. Well here are a few updates: One- I got a job at JFK medical Center as an ICU Unit Secreatry-its pretty awesome, the hours are redic, but its what i'll be doing for the rest of my life, so its nice being surrounded by it, it actually makes me more motivated to become a nurse. I love being in the ICU, because I am surrounded by both GOOD and BAD nurses. You can really tell who wants to be there and who doesn't. It just shows how diverse a nurse is, like it school i think they wanted us to be the same person, when in reality. It is us who is gonna be there. I love it so far. the pay is good, the people are nice so far, and im just really happy, im doing something my parents are proud of me for. I think its been a long time since I had that feeling of appreciation. Next, Peter and I broke up for a day. It was weird- I don't know what I was doing. I guess I felt that he was the wrong person for me and that I hadn't seem him in a long time. But I love him so much and when I realized that I would never see him again, it made me so sad. He's been a part of my life this transition year and I couldn't see him not in it anymore. I call him or see him everyday and he's been there for me when its beeen hard and he's so supportive of all my endeavors. Finally, I got into the LPN program at PBCC. I am happy, because I deserve this. I was the one who made the mistake of failing out of school, I was the one who put myself in taht postition and if it sets me back a couple of years, I am very willing to accept it. Because in the future, I am will be responsible for people's lives and I need to rememebr that. Another thing that happen was I tried birth control pills, and it was horrible. I bleed from may to two days ago before in July. It was stinky and nasty and embarrarsing. Horrible experience.

I wonder if, by doing Yoga or mindfulness meditation, people get back in touch with their own religious roots? 

That's what happened to me. Yoga reveals to you things that you believe but didn't realize you believed or forgot you believed. It reaffirms and solidifies your belief system. 

It could make your belief system more open, or it could bring focus to your spiritual life. It depends on the individual. Then it's a matter of finding the right place. There are so many choices even within your own faith. For me, a big part was finding the right church and finding the right priest, somebody that could speak to me in a language I could understand within the context of my faith. 

-Christy Turlington

This morning I felt horrible about myself-I saw on facebook that my nsg class of 2008 was graduating (is graduating) this morning @ 9:00am. I felt all those horrible feelings of failure, and asking myself how I got to this point in my life when I have always been about achievments, but then right now. I started to meditate-I spoke to God, and told Him I would trust Him no matter what. I also watched a Yoga video with Kino from the Miami Life Center on Youtube- and it reminded me how much I want to be like her. To not only do what she does physically but to mentally have her state of mind. She is content with the life she has, and she doesn't care the little things. I'm premenstrual and sometimes I give that an excuse for my behaviors. But if I can just meditate and pray to God before crying, everything will clear up and I'll rememeber that this year has also brought me happiness-I'm closer to my family again, I have a passion for yoga, I have a caring Boyfriend, and I am more determined to become a RN and then pursue my masters at NYU. I CAN DO ANYTHING! I CAN!

Ugh for the past week I've cried three times. I think I have Premenstraul Depression, I'll just think of horrible things that make me feel bad about mysself and cry. Whats wrong with me?

I DID A SUPPORTED HEADSTAND IN YOGA CLASS TODAY!!!!!

I thought this was beautiful

J. Krishnamurti wrote, “Have you ever sat very silently, not with your attention fixed on anything, not making an effort to concentrate, but with the mind very quiet, really still?...If you can listen in this way, listen with ease, without strain, you will find an extraordinary change taking place within you, a change which comes without volition, without your asking; and in that change there is great beauty and depth of insight.”

 

Come into any posture-warrior two will do-rest your eyes at one point, and just breathe into every cell in your body. Listen with every cell in your body. Experience the soles of your feet and the palms of your hand, the length of your spine, the sensation of air against your skin. Allow the posture to bring you deeply into the movement and you will experience contentment-not as resignation but as the vibrant experience of all living beings, as the song that is sung by the world that is sacred.

CEO- my life goal i have decided, i had a dream  last night about it. 

I told him i loved him yesterday and today. I told someone other than my family and close friends that i love them. It's really hard for me to show emotions to anyone other than my family. And even when i was younger it was hard for me to say i love you to my family. I dont know why but it just always been like that. I guess I really value and appreciate and highly respect the act of love and even saying it. I really love peter and I have been thinking about it for a while, saying it. I know a lot of girls prob wait forever for "him" to say it first but i really wanted to tell him how much he means to me. He's been the best things thats happen to me this year with all thats gone on in my life. He makes me feel soo good about myself when I want to call myself negative things. Thank you God for brining him in my life :)

my heart has hurt so much lately, so many things. School, peter, basically those two. I feel like ...ugh depressed again, like always. Why cant i do things right?

I dont think parents understand how hurtful their words are to their children. That just one little phrase or word could stay with them forever, that their child will never be the same and will feel insecure for the rest of their lives. Even though I'm 21, I still feel like that 15 year old girl depressed on the floor of my room feeling sorry for myself because I dont know who I am or will be and the only people in the world who i thought would know me the best ridicule and condescednly talk down to me. I hope if I ever become a mom that I will love my child so much to never hurt them in that way, in that way that makes them feel so bad about themself that they qustion my love for them. I wish I could just ESCAPE somewhere and feel happy for a long time.

Sometimes i wonder if its worth it, all the crying, and the contemplating, and the secrets. I cried again last night on valentines day, because he joked about my parents. I playfully hit him on the chest, and it took him forever to tell me that I am acting like my parents ensuing of the time that I told him my parents use to fight. I never tell anybody that-the only person ive told that too was Jacob, and people in New Jersey who know about that. I didnt want to stay at his house anymore and left. Went inside my car and cried on the way home and going to sleep. I wanted to end things, but when I did, I felt even more worse. Why is life like this? A constant struggle (I'm trying to take this out of my vocab). It's like you want things to be easy in the aspects of your life that are suppose to be carefree, but they also cause you problems. He's really immature in alot of things like that, and how he wants to drink. It's getting to me-another thing he told me last night was that he was in the need for some liquor. I DONT WANT TO BE REMINDED THAT IM OLDER THAN YOU. i havent done yoga in two days, which could be the reason for my crankiness and strain. I need peace right now. 

sometimes i really think God hates me. As sacriligious or ungrateful as that sounds that was the thought i kept running through my head last night over and over again. Yesterday was a really nice day too, which makes me sad it ended  how it did. I went to the movies with my r and saw untraceable-it wasnt that scary just gory and diane lane was great in it. Then we went to starbucks and just sat at a table in the middle of city place square i guess lol. It was nice, we were talking and getting to know each other more. I told him things about my parents and how they use to fight and i never usually tell anybody that. I dont know why i did that. Then he took me to work, a mile from work i remember that i didnt bring my SHOES, so i had to buy shoes at Marshalls-I felt bad because he had to be somewhere but he still took me. SOOO NICE! Work was work and all I wanted to do was go to sleep so i could do yoga today, but then i got the mail, and it said that i was not accepted into South University's Nursing program and that I should apply again in the fall. WOW, Right when that happen i put on that fray song and started to cry my eyes out. I called jacob and started to cry and then when i heard everyone was asleep upstairs I got some wine and tried to drink the whole bottle. I was thinking about killing myself, but I thought about leaving my family and how mad they would be. I dont understand these trials in my life and i dont understand why God hates me. Am i really not suppose to be a nurse? And if not, what am i suppose to do now?

YOGA DAY! I expected to be there all day, but I only stayed for an hour! :( I wish i waited a little bit for the next class because it sounded like a good one and I didnt get a goodie bag dratttts! Its ok, I left feeling really in tune with myself and happy. I also had a surge of creativity flowing in me that pushed me into going into michaels and imaging making yoga clothes lol. Well I'm about to go to work right now---i kinda dont want to but you gotta make the money i guess lol. Great Yoga day, i'm glad i went!

kinda super bored today. Days off are weird, because i crave them when i am at work, but then i wish i was at work, because it would be something to do. I think I might get coffee and go window shopping until my dinner with glenn. I had Yoga and Pilates this morning, and I'm kinda feeling ing. Super tired afterwards and only watched some of the Nadal and Tsonga (Tsongalicious as I like to sing to myself). I cleaned the car, half assed though, because i didn't vacuum lol, more like rearranged and threw bottles away. I'm so lazy ! lol I bought this yoga book, ASHTANGA YOGA  PRACTICE MANUAL by david swenson, supposedly the founder or co-founder of this kind of yoga. I like reading this because it makes logic out of my yoga practice. Yoga is different from sports I've played before. In tennis, the main purpose of the game is to beat the other opponent, but with yoga its more about strenghtening and balancing yourself. There is no competiton in yoga, which is refreshing to me because i feel like my whole life has always been a race with others. Yoga Day is this satruday, hopefully I'll get myself there with or without someone, it should be good, oooo that means i need to purchase a mat lol. I need a yoga buddy. "R'' as I like to secretly assign him on my phone is good, i just feel so attracted to him only physically not mentally which is brining me down and making me think to much. Also another thing has made me think alot, the movie Crazy/Beautiful, very good film, despite its exxaggerated scenes and what not, but the core of it is very good. Being in love basically. That state is somehting i have pondered about all day today and yesterday. I've never been in love, maybe extreme infaturation but never in love, which at the age of 21 is sad don't you think. But then the other side of me thinks i'm still young, love will be there but other things like goals and such won't and being with my family won't last long either. I think things that are self centered or desires of our inner soul will be reached one day-our given day. i guess. Ugh i want to break it off with "r" but he says cute things, like how he misses me and the way he hugs me ugh, these feelings. But I know I KNOW within myself i need someone else, someone older and has drive for things that doesn't concern me, that's when i know he will fit. My hands are cramping lol, i'm done for now.

i did my first wheel in class today!!!! yay, i'm glad i went, i looooove yoga and my instructor barb, she's so cool! Pilates kicked my ass today, I'm really getting in tuned with my body, it's not really about losing weight or getting toned, it's more about me loving myself and how i want to look.

today was weird I just didn't as happy as I had been forcthe past few days- my mom just told be things that made me kind of sad I guess realization stuff I gay this free time I have bc it makes me think too much. I think  need to be patient with myself and my potential. I wish I could do yoga all day- I luke being in that state of concentration and peace. it feels like we just are in this bubble in yoga and when we get out of it the real world hits us with a stamp of reality and responsibility.

I've been happy for the past three days and this is what it has been consisting of: radiohead, yoga, and cute texts from this boy who is 2 years younger than me. But i just feel so good though, like when i try to think about my friends in orlando or when my family bugs me, my anger doesnt stay for a long time, it goes away in a few minutes. I just feel so good inside and out. Yoga has made me really happy, I'm obsessed with it, i'll read books and look at videos on youtube. I've been going to this studio in wellington MOKSHA YOGA STUDIO, and it's fantastic. I've had two private lessons and tonight was my first class with other students. It's so exhilarating being in the poses and really pushing myself and just letting myself go. I feel really comfortable in my skin there and that makes me so happy, my hairy armpits show, my baby fat shows, but i dont care, i just care about doing the pose right and breathing and focusing. It's really wonderful, how this happened to me. I hope I never stop doing this. Radiohead, yup, the band that I never really listen to but really respected and enjoyed have been in my ears forever (well for the past three days) its just been a soothing music to complement my happy disposition. My younger admirer is a charmer and we met because of red bull and vodka in a gay club. I never thought i was going to like him, because i never worked or hung out with him before, but ever since that night i guess he just makes sense to be with. I like how he complements me and the way he looks at me. All these three things ( i guess minus radiohead i just like to listen to them lol), really make me feel good about myself. I've always been self conscious to the point that it runs my life, but yoga and him have really made feel better each and everyday. I hope this feeling doesnt go away, because i haven't felt like this in a long time. All i can thank is GOD, who has loved me forever and has always been there for me, I LOVE YOU GOD!

i'm sad again, i listened to the fray " how to save a life," and i'm crying again. because i miss nsg school and i miss orlando, and i miss being by myself and i miss the thought of graduating this semester and really starting my life, instead of being stuck in this bipolar household where i feel like i'm locked up and i have NO IDEA who i am anymore. I don't have goals, i dont have any self esteem, i just feeeeeeeelllll realllly bad all the time, and i go out at night and i drink just to escape who've ive become and what ive done. my dad yelled at me this morning again, because my room wasn't cleaned, MY FUCKING ROOOM WASN'T CLEANED, LIKE I'M 16 YEARS OLD. sometimes i wish they would disown me, so i could just leave. and all my friends have left, they went back to orlando, gainesville, and soon up north, and i'll be alone again. i'm in the closet again, crying, and listening to this fray song over and over again. The song reminds me of when i first started nsg school and how excited i was, because it felt like my life was going well for the first time in m life, and now i'm sitting here just thinking about it, alone with all these sad feeelings, i just want to escape.