sometimes i really think God hates me. As sacriligious or ungrateful as that sounds that was the thought i kept running through my head last night over and over again. Yesterday was a really nice day too, which makes me sad it ended  how it did. I went to the movies with my r and saw untraceable-it wasnt that scary just gory and diane lane was great in it. Then we went to starbucks and just sat at a table in the middle of city place square i guess lol. It was nice, we were talking and getting to know each other more. I told him things about my parents and how they use to fight and i never usually tell anybody that. I dont know why i did that. Then he took me to work, a mile from work i remember that i didnt bring my SHOES, so i had to buy shoes at Marshalls-I felt bad because he had to be somewhere but he still took me. SOOO NICE! Work was work and all I wanted to do was go to sleep so i could do yoga today, but then i got the mail, and it said that i was not accepted into South University's Nursing program and that I should apply again in the fall. WOW, Right when that happen i put on that fray song and started to cry my eyes out. I called jacob and started to cry and then when i heard everyone was asleep upstairs I got some wine and tried to drink the whole bottle. I was thinking about killing myself, but I thought about leaving my family and how mad they would be. I dont understand these trials in my life and i dont understand why God hates me. Am i really not suppose to be a nurse? And if not, what am i suppose to do now?

YOGA DAY! I expected to be there all day, but I only stayed for an hour! :( I wish i waited a little bit for the next class because it sounded like a good one and I didnt get a goodie bag dratttts! Its ok, I left feeling really in tune with myself and happy. I also had a surge of creativity flowing in me that pushed me into going into michaels and imaging making yoga clothes lol. Well I'm about to go to work right now---i kinda dont want to but you gotta make the money i guess lol. Great Yoga day, i'm glad i went!

kinda super bored today. Days off are weird, because i crave them when i am at work, but then i wish i was at work, because it would be something to do. I think I might get coffee and go window shopping until my dinner with glenn. I had Yoga and Pilates this morning, and I'm kinda feeling ing. Super tired afterwards and only watched some of the Nadal and Tsonga (Tsongalicious as I like to sing to myself). I cleaned the car, half assed though, because i didn't vacuum lol, more like rearranged and threw bottles away. I'm so lazy ! lol I bought this yoga book, ASHTANGA YOGA  PRACTICE MANUAL by david swenson, supposedly the founder or co-founder of this kind of yoga. I like reading this because it makes logic out of my yoga practice. Yoga is different from sports I've played before. In tennis, the main purpose of the game is to beat the other opponent, but with yoga its more about strenghtening and balancing yourself. There is no competiton in yoga, which is refreshing to me because i feel like my whole life has always been a race with others. Yoga Day is this satruday, hopefully I'll get myself there with or without someone, it should be good, oooo that means i need to purchase a mat lol. I need a yoga buddy. "R'' as I like to secretly assign him on my phone is good, i just feel so attracted to him only physically not mentally which is brining me down and making me think to much. Also another thing has made me think alot, the movie Crazy/Beautiful, very good film, despite its exxaggerated scenes and what not, but the core of it is very good. Being in love basically. That state is somehting i have pondered about all day today and yesterday. I've never been in love, maybe extreme infaturation but never in love, which at the age of 21 is sad don't you think. But then the other side of me thinks i'm still young, love will be there but other things like goals and such won't and being with my family won't last long either. I think things that are self centered or desires of our inner soul will be reached one day-our given day. i guess. Ugh i want to break it off with "r" but he says cute things, like how he misses me and the way he hugs me ugh, these feelings. But I know I KNOW within myself i need someone else, someone older and has drive for things that doesn't concern me, that's when i know he will fit. My hands are cramping lol, i'm done for now.

i did my first wheel in class today!!!! yay, i'm glad i went, i looooove yoga and my instructor barb, she's so cool! Pilates kicked my ass today, I'm really getting in tuned with my body, it's not really about losing weight or getting toned, it's more about me loving myself and how i want to look.

today was weird I just didn't as happy as I had been forcthe past few days- my mom just told be things that made me kind of sad I guess realization stuff I gay this free time I have bc it makes me think too much. I think  need to be patient with myself and my potential. I wish I could do yoga all day- I luke being in that state of concentration and peace. it feels like we just are in this bubble in yoga and when we get out of it the real world hits us with a stamp of reality and responsibility.

I've been happy for the past three days and this is what it has been consisting of: radiohead, yoga, and cute texts from this boy who is 2 years younger than me. But i just feel so good though, like when i try to think about my friends in orlando or when my family bugs me, my anger doesnt stay for a long time, it goes away in a few minutes. I just feel so good inside and out. Yoga has made me really happy, I'm obsessed with it, i'll read books and look at videos on youtube. I've been going to this studio in wellington MOKSHA YOGA STUDIO, and it's fantastic. I've had two private lessons and tonight was my first class with other students. It's so exhilarating being in the poses and really pushing myself and just letting myself go. I feel really comfortable in my skin there and that makes me so happy, my hairy armpits show, my baby fat shows, but i dont care, i just care about doing the pose right and breathing and focusing. It's really wonderful, how this happened to me. I hope I never stop doing this. Radiohead, yup, the band that I never really listen to but really respected and enjoyed have been in my ears forever (well for the past three days) its just been a soothing music to complement my happy disposition. My younger admirer is a charmer and we met because of red bull and vodka in a gay club. I never thought i was going to like him, because i never worked or hung out with him before, but ever since that night i guess he just makes sense to be with. I like how he complements me and the way he looks at me. All these three things ( i guess minus radiohead i just like to listen to them lol), really make me feel good about myself. I've always been self conscious to the point that it runs my life, but yoga and him have really made feel better each and everyday. I hope this feeling doesnt go away, because i haven't felt like this in a long time. All i can thank is GOD, who has loved me forever and has always been there for me, I LOVE YOU GOD!

i'm sad again, i listened to the fray " how to save a life," and i'm crying again. because i miss nsg school and i miss orlando, and i miss being by myself and i miss the thought of graduating this semester and really starting my life, instead of being stuck in this bipolar household where i feel like i'm locked up and i have NO IDEA who i am anymore. I don't have goals, i dont have any self esteem, i just feeeeeeeelllll realllly bad all the time, and i go out at night and i drink just to escape who've ive become and what ive done. my dad yelled at me this morning again, because my room wasn't cleaned, MY FUCKING ROOOM WASN'T CLEANED, LIKE I'M 16 YEARS OLD. sometimes i wish they would disown me, so i could just leave. and all my friends have left, they went back to orlando, gainesville, and soon up north, and i'll be alone again. i'm in the closet again, crying, and listening to this fray song over and over again. The song reminds me of when i first started nsg school and how excited i was, because it felt like my life was going well for the first time in m life, and now i'm sitting here just thinking about it, alone with all these sad feeelings, i just want to escape.