I dont think parents understand how hurtful their words are to their children. That just one little phrase or word could stay with them forever, that their child will never be the same and will feel insecure for the rest of their lives. Even though I'm 21, I still feel like that 15 year old girl depressed on the floor of my room feeling sorry for myself because I dont know who I am or will be and the only people in the world who i thought would know me the best ridicule and condescednly talk down to me. I hope if I ever become a mom that I will love my child so much to never hurt them in that way, in that way that makes them feel so bad about themself that they qustion my love for them. I wish I could just ESCAPE somewhere and feel happy for a long time.

Sometimes i wonder if its worth it, all the crying, and the contemplating, and the secrets. I cried again last night on valentines day, because he joked about my parents. I playfully hit him on the chest, and it took him forever to tell me that I am acting like my parents ensuing of the time that I told him my parents use to fight. I never tell anybody that-the only person ive told that too was Jacob, and people in New Jersey who know about that. I didnt want to stay at his house anymore and left. Went inside my car and cried on the way home and going to sleep. I wanted to end things, but when I did, I felt even more worse. Why is life like this? A constant struggle (I'm trying to take this out of my vocab). It's like you want things to be easy in the aspects of your life that are suppose to be carefree, but they also cause you problems. He's really immature in alot of things like that, and how he wants to drink. It's getting to me-another thing he told me last night was that he was in the need for some liquor. I DONT WANT TO BE REMINDED THAT IM OLDER THAN YOU. i havent done yoga in two days, which could be the reason for my crankiness and strain. I need peace right now.